24 Values in 24 Hours

 

     Here is an early holiday gift from my heart to yours. Please go to http://changingminds.org/explanations/values/via.htm where you will find a list of the 24 core values that have been documented by Dr. Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth but why, you may ask, would I want you to go there to receive this gift? Simply because ’tis the season of giving and what the world needs now more than anything is a reminder of the values and characteristics that live inside of each of us and can be accessed anytime, anywhere. To be able to pay those values forward to everyone you meet. May we all be blessed with a very happy, healthy, honest, prosperous, authentic, truthful, judgment free, spiritually uplifting New Year.

     The year of 2017 will not go down in my life journal as the happiest one of all but I did manage to extract quite a few great memories that I’m very proud to have experienced. Is anyone’s year on point 24/7? I would say this year has been memorable, head shaking, woeful, twilight zone-ish for sure. I’ve learned that happiness is subjective so please search your hearts for the happiness you are seeking to extract from all that this year has brought to your consciousness. Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s my soulful evolution, maybe it’s the pounding into my gut and brain that takes place day after day of the stupidity, valueless behaviors and moral corruption that seems to swirl like a tornado around me more now than ever before. I’m not sure what exactly it is that has left me so confused and truthfully so scared. What I do know is that my happy life moments are curtesy of that which I keep coming back to time and again, that which grounds me and helps me choose to restart and not give up;

VALUES

What are values? Simply put, if each of us were a house, values are the foundation on which we build our house. From the time our personalities start to develop at a young age, we are creating and forming our individual values; those pillars of core characteristics that declare what we live for, strive for and believe; a guiding light, what makes us authentic and real.

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’ ‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit. ‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’ ‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’ ‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit

     Author Dean Koontz, who wrote, False Memory, showcases one of his fictional characters that says, “Reality is subjective. Values and truths are subjective. Life itself is an illusion.” I agree and disagree with this character, fiction based or not, because in my humble subjective opinion core values, the pillars of magic that we have been blessed to carry inside of us and summon up throughout our whole lifetime, are the building blocks of our legacy. In the Velveteen Rabbit, author Margery Williams describes through her character, Skin Horse, what it means to be REAL. To love and be loved, that is a real value and a legacy. When we allow reality to be subjective without objectivity we risk damaging truth and love and quite a few other core values. Once those values are damaged our legacy is damaged as well.

Our legacy is our “why” and while our “why” is personal and subjective the pillars of the core value system stand firm and true; the value system is real. How we put those values into action, build those values, leave behind the truths of those values as examples is subjective. Please remember that we live in a country where we are given the freedom of choice and the more choices we have to make the more our values matter most. Imagine a world where we all respected the fact that each one of us governs ourselves based on the same 24 positive core value/characteristics? What a great world indeed.

“Here is your country. Cherish these natural wonders, cherish the natural resources, cherish the history and romance as a sacred heritage, for your children and your children’s children. Do not let selfish men or greedy interests skin your country of its beauty, its riches or its romance.”Theodore Roosevelt

I Value You, You Value Me

“Values aren’t buses… They’re not supposed to get you anywhere. They’re supposed to define who you are.”Jennifer Crusie

The understanding of values has seen a huge uprising since the introduction of positive psychology by Dr. Martin Seligman. Dr. Seligman looks at values as core character strengths that consciously and unconsciously carry us throughout our life and help us to conduct ourselves with regard and worthiness. Sadly, we have seen way too many times this year alone how values have been discarded, disrespected, destroyed or never used at all.

Dr. Seligman discovered 24 core values that exist all the time. In one 24-hour day we make choices as to which core characteristics, values, we use to influence our decision making processes and the world around us. The values list is a positive list of every characteristic known to the human species. A warning however, for every positive that is extracted from these core values there is negative and it is those negative interpretations that have humans so muddled and backwards.

CHOOSE FIVE

Here is my next gift for you: Go to www.authentichappiness.com and follow the prompts for adults. It is free and only requires you to sign in to take this insightful survey. If you answer honestly, your top five (5) values in action will tell you where your values hang out right now. The beautiful advantage of taking this survey is that there are no wrong answers, there are no negative answers, only insight into what makes each of us unique. Here you will find the gateway to the foundation of your house, your most important “why” and your legacy.

“The goal of a life purpose is not what you will create, but what it will make you into for creating it.” Shannon L. Alder

If you find that you want a value listed to be listed in your top 5 but isn’t quite there yet then you have the freedom and hopefully the time to devote to raising your chosen value (s)to a higher level. Just know that whatever your initial top five values come out to be, YOU ARE AWESOME!!

So, in 24 hours, how does someone go about purposefully putting their 24, or at least their top 5 values into action?

  1. Keep the top 5 list with you at all times so that you can check in at least once per week. If it helps, expand the list you carry to 10 top core values.
  2. Take notes throughout the week to see how you are using the values that are listed. Do you notice that you are using some more than others most of the time? Do you notice that you are using a value that you initially answered as a less prominent value?
  3. Throughout each day make time to remind yourself of your core values especially when confronted with a challenge that requires putting your values to the test.
  4. Find a colleague or friend or mentor or coach or spouse that you absolutely trust and discuss your observations. Ask for help from these trusted people in your life to keep you on track toward your evolution.
  5. Create an avatar, a song, a design, a rotating screensaver or a static picture/drawing for your home screen or on your phone or on a large post-it note, one that represents your top 5 or top 10 values so you can get in the zone of becoming in consciousness what you know in your heart.

What an incredible opportunity you have to start the new year with hopeful purpose and deeper understanding of being your best self not only for you but for everyone around you. Just knowing that the values you choose to concentrate on are always right for you is a very freeing, wondrous journey. Remember that each of the 24 values exist in each of us all the time. We decide which ones we use most. If you need a go to person to help sort it all out just give me shout. I will be happy to help.

CALL TO ACTION

Where do your core values fall?

What characteristic (s) do you use most of the time?

How can your values list become your “why”?

In what ways are your values your legacy?

Are you the adult you want your children to become?

baby jessica 001 Whispers from my Wallpaper…..

                     Are you the adult you want your children to become?

Dr. Brene` Brown, a shame and vulnerability researcher, author and teacher, asks this very important question in her book, Daring Greatly. If you haven’t read the book I highly suggest you do. Go directly to chapter 7 and read through this enlightening chapter on “Daring to be the parent we want our children to be.” It helps if you read the book from the beginning but if you are a parent struggling with this crazy, mixed up world and feeling that perhaps your way of parenting seems like it is just not enough then read this chapter first.

I never thought twice about becoming a parent. It was just the natural, expected course my life would eventually take. I, like so many before me, wanted to do things a bit “better” than my parents did it while also putting my own stamp of parenting that was  a bit different from how they parented, but overall I hoped that I would be as good at parenting my own children as my parents were for me.

Joseph Chilton Pearce writes, “What we are teaches our children more than what we say, so we must be what we want our children to become.” Our job is to love ourselves and accept ourselves first if we want the same for our children. This is a hard thing to do, accept and love ourselves in order to be accepting and loving toward our children? I do have the capacity to love and be loved and I want to love and be loved by those that I hold most dear. I really feel that what is most important is empathy. To be able to feel and understand what others are feeling.

My youngest son is going through a hard time right now trying to figure out himself and his place in the world. Life is changing very rapidly for him, taking twists and turns that he, in most cases, has no control over. As I watch him struggle, I worry whether I’ve given him all the skills he needs to live as an adult, and I spontaneously feel guilty for what I see as my failures. This was the vibe I was getting from my son. I was feeling guilty thinking that I had done something wrong in how he was raised and I wanted to “check in” with him on this. Where is his sense of belonging, worthiness, self-confidence right now?

According to Dr. Brown guilt says, “I did something bad” as opposed to shame which says, “I am bad.”  When we apologize for something we have done, make amends, or change a negative behavior into a positive behavior in order to better align with our own values, the influence on ourselves, our children, and our world is positive. Getting our thinking and our actions back to zero, back to “normal” is like finding the level playing field. Just because our bodies have matured on the outside and we are now labeled “adults” doesn’t mean our insides have kept up. When our children feel shame or guilt and display behaviors that make us feel embarrassed we very quickly go back to a time in our own lives, in our own story when we remember feeling that too.

“The sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.” –Carl Jung

As parents we have the choice, but more importantly, the obligation to show our children that it’s okay to screw up sometimes by turning mistakes into successes through learning from them. We show our children that they are not alone in the life struggles they go through by telling them stories of our own struggles with a simple “me too” which opens the door to great communication and safe spaces. When we share our guilt and vulnerabilities with our children we not only mature our own adult insides but we make it normal for our children to let life’s experiences and vulnerabilities be okay. Their stories and our story help their insides mature as well. We are telling them that it is so okay to have chapters that don’t quite feel so good. Ultimately, it is what can be learned from each experience, good and bad that makes the story worth telling.

Reading through Dr. Brown’s book I had to ask my son if he feels doubt about himself in any way, if he feels vulnerable, if he feels like he has made mistakes that he is letting define him now, if he feels like he belongs with us as a family member, because I know he doesn’t feel like he belongs at school or with the kids he goes to school with. Dr. Brown talks about “belonging” as requiring us to BE who we are. Well how do we know how to be who we are if we don’t really know who we are?

“ Belonging”, says Dr. Brown, “is being accepted for who you are; being somewhere where you want to be and where the people around you want you to be; getting to be “you” no matter what is happening in your life or the decisions you make.” My son and I talked at length about these definitions and I am so happy to say that he does feel like he belongs, he just feels like a disappointment sometimes. I get that. I’ve felt that way a time or seven in my lifetime. I was so happy to be able to normalize his feelings with a resounding , “me, too.”

I needed to help my son know that disappointment was okay and that it was a good measuring stick to help shape his road map toward becoming the best adult, the best person he can be. The relief on his face was palpable. His sense of “belonging” to the outside world will come as he moves through it and works with the world. But I needed to make sure he understood that he unconditionally belongs with us – his family, his foundation. Disappointment will happen throughout his life but it will diminish to “every once in a great while” instead of the “oh so often” feeling he has right now.

“Let your face speak what is in your heart.” –Toni Morrison

When your child walks into a room do you first notice what he/she is wearing and make judgments and criticize or do you light up at the miracle that just walked in the room? Actions do indeed speak louder than words even if your actions are as simple as a smile, a welcome hug or an expression of belonging and worthiness.

There is a body language to parenting that we sometimes forget to incorporate into our job as a parent. Our bodies need, no, must remember to speak with emotions like compassion, engagement, empathy, attention, “me, too” and “I get it”. My mom said to me just before my daughter was born, “never forget what it felt like when…..” I have taken this to heart and let it guide me through every age and stage my children have achieved. It was this way of thinking that helped put me in my son’s shoes to get the conversation started about where he is at right now.

We can’t be perfect parents, husbands, wives, children, etc. because there is no such thing as perfect but we can be perfectly imperfect with the love we express. We can be messy and we can be ourselves and we can be our story. Let your face speak what is in your heart. Journey On with your children through the rest of your story and show them that their story is just as great and can be greater.

If you would like to learn how coaching can empower you to live life with purpose and perspective please write to Lisa for a complimentary 30 minute coaching consultation to lisa@journeyoncoaching.com and watch for Lisa’s forthcoming book, “A Leap of Faith.”