The Difference Between a Scar and a Tattoo

 

 

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Out of the pain of growth comes beauty and uniqueness.

“Take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.” –Chris Cleave, Little Bee

How much of life have you survived so far?

Are any of the survival moments scars on your skin or on your heart or do you wear them proudly as a tattoo, a story your body doesn’t hesitate to tell?

One night at dinner my son brought home a friend from school. We had amazing food and amazing conversation and as it is when lots of boys get together we got to talking about injuries and scars. The boy stood up and said, “Oh have I got scars to show you.” For the next 20 minutes he proceeded to show us all of his scars, the ones that were allowable to show, and we were all riveted to hear the stories and see the proof. He smiled proudly through it all and he just as proudly knew that life wasn’t finished with him yet, that there would be a lot more scars to talk about as he got older.

Listening to the boy’s stories I couldn’t help but think what a busy, treacherous, boyish, adventurous life he had lived so far and I thought these weren’t scars he was showing us, these were proud tattoos of a life well lived; he was only 13 years old.

“Tattoos are a right of passage. They’re a marker of bravery, of maturity, of cultural acceptance. The tattoo represents not only a willingness to accept pain – to endure it – but a need to actively embrace it. Because life is painful – beautiful but painful…….” Nicola Barker, The Yips

There are lessons we learn in school and there are lessons we learn in life. I’ve come to believe that when those 2 distinct paths cross, that is when we wear our story. When I become aware and present in my life moments I am, in a way, choosing the tattoos I want to brand who I am and who I want to be.

When something doesn’t go the way I want it to it is in the choices I make as to who I then become. When someone hurts me physically or emotionally I can choose to become and remain a victim of the hurt or I can grow from it and own it and wear it like a tattoo of honor or shame and either way I can then create teachable moments to share along my life’s journey. It’s hard though to step back in an emotional moment and realize that there is always a choice to make.

A Scar that Purposefully Became a Tattoo

My daughter faced this very crossroads when the person she considered her best friend did things that proved the girl wasn’t a good friend at all much less a best friend. It sent my daughter into a tail spin and for quite a few years my daughter tried to manipulate her mind to stop fighting a battle within herself to change the friend but rather to accept what was happening. To make a very long story short, the choice she made in the end was to find a way to accept the girl for who she was and to also accept herself for who she was becoming. Not an easy thing to do at all but with lots of patience and practice and self-love she has truly managed to step over to the other side of the pain and wear her lessons learned like a tattoo on her heart. She feels more empowered, more right minded and stronger within her heart than she has ever felt. I see it in her eyes and I hear it in her voice in the way she speaks. She believes what she is working through and how she is working through it and there is a whole bunch of reasons to respect her process. But the question is, how is she doing it? How is she accepting herself and the person that turned out to be nothing like the friend she thought she had? Here are some steps she took to get to where she is right now:

Seek help. The minute my daughter felt the disillusionment of the friendship she talked with me about it. She also casually talked with her other friends. She enlisted the people she felt most comfortable with and asked their opinion, asked their advice, and asked if they had ever been through something like this. She even confronted her friend in order to get a better understanding of where this friendship had gotten so off the rails.

By being vulnerable to the pain she allowed light to penetrate the cracks that were forming in her heart. The light acted like a laser tattooing her heart with the tools she would need for wisdom and compassion.

“When we feel weak, we drop our heads on the shoulders of others. Don’t get mad when someone does that. Be honored. For that person trusted you enough to, even if subtly, ask you for help.” Lori Goodwin

Listen. No matter what stories were being told to her she had enough respect for herself to just listen to what was being said and not said. She took a mental inventory of all the information and let it sit inside her heart for however long it needed to so she could pick and choose the points of information that fit her best.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change

Talk it out. There were 3 distinct times where my daughter met with the “best friend” and tried to let her know how she was feeling. It took a lot more than 3 times to get the friend to understand and to this day the understanding is still not completely there but forgiveness has taken root on both sides of the friendship and THAT means a positive change has happened. The part that is most important is in the trying to keep communication open and honest.

“When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.”Shannon L. Alder

Take a step back. Step away from the situation long enough to allow the silence and the physical space to work it’s magic. Clarity has a chance to surface when distance is allowed in. Constantly working on the pain and the situation at hand can cause more pain and less clarity. Step back, breathe, take a time out and let the dust settle a bit.

“In the space between chaos and shape there was another chance.” Jeanette Winterson, The World and Other Places: Stories

Know when to let go. As painful as it has been for my daughter to admit, she had to get to a place in her heart where she realized it was more painful to deny who she is right now in her own growth toward adulthood than to compromise any more of who she has already become in order to save the friendship. She had to let go of what she wanted the relationship to be in order for the relationship to become what it was meant to become all along. Sometimes we can only see what we want to see instead of what is really right in front of us. Releasing control over the pain allows us to let go and let each person be who they are right now.

“Distance sometimes lets you know who is worth keeping, and who is worth letting go.”Lana Del Rey

Find gratitude. What was my daughter most grateful for in having this person as her friend in the first place? When she was able to truly list from her heart all the reasons she liked having this person in her life she was able to settle down the pain. People change; life changes us on the inside and the outside. Her friend’s life story isn’t pretty and unless you have walked in her shoes you cannot know the scars she wears and how deep they cut. Those scars have a chance to become tattoos of pride when her friend is ready to stop being a victim to the pain and the past. When my daughter came to understand her own gratitude toward the friendship the friendship had a chance at a new life and a new breath.

“Once you start recognizing the truth of your story, finish the story. It happened but you’re still here, you’re still capable, powerful, you’re not your circumstance. It happened and you made it through. You’re still fully equipped with every single tool you need to fulfill your purpose.”Steve Maraboli

In the end, the two friends are trying to re-invent their relationship and from my humble perspective it looks to be a beautiful tattoo rather than an ugly scar.

Call to Action

What lessons are you learning, experiencing, creating, in your life moments that will become a permanent part of who you are?

Will those lessons be a tattoo or a scar?

The ABC’s of R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

 

inner critic 001

Here is a little riddle for you compliments of www.lifehack.org:

“You can only have it once you have given it.

One of the most misunderstood concepts out there, respect is asked for yet seldom given. Some even try to take it by force or buy it, but if you are unable to show others respect and treat them as equals you will never be able to truly earn their respect. People respect bravery, intelligence, skill, talent, compassion and physical and mental strength, and these things cannot be faked.”

Lately the question of respect has morphed into, how can someone honestly, truly respect you if you don’t respect yourself? I believe respect should at most start within each of us….

You would think that after raising 3 children I would be the veteran of momhood. You would think that after all I have endured in learning my children at every age and stage of their lives so far I would have nothing left to learn except how to co-exist. You would think that when they hit the magic government age of 18 that says, “Hey, welcome to adulthood, but not really”, that I would be able to transition with them from apron strings and purse strings to I’ll-take-care-of-it-mom strings and no more routine bedtime strings.

Yup. You would think all of these things because after all, I’ve been with them since the moment they were conceived. Alas, not even close. I’m learning, what I think is the biggest lesson of my whole life, other than not to be afraid of death, and that is the word and meaning of respect in all its Technicolor dreaminess.

Okay, so here is this posts vocabulary lesson. The dictionary defines the word respect as meaning

1-      an act of giving particular attention or consideration

2-      high or special regard or esteem

3-      the quality or state of being esteemed.

In the case of our first definition I think I did an admirable job of showing respect to my children and their needs such as food, attention, time, education outside of school and moral support whether asked for or not. Just to name a few.

In definition number 2 when the kids did something that went above and beyond their basic level of earned respect, and by that I mean getting homework done well and on time, helping with chores, not arguing when an extended family visit was in order, I made sure they understood why I was calling attention to my “extra” respect. I’m a huge fan of answering those “why” questions.

In definition number 3 I always tried to find reasons to celebrate them. I never enjoyed keeping to the “traditions only” rules of celebrations. For example I always enjoyed celebrating their ½ birthdays. I would serve them dinner on half a plate, I would buy a silly, non-essential gift and not wrap it or give them the first ½ of a gift and then the rest on their actual birthday, I would give them ½ a glass of a beverage, I would even supply half a cake without anything written on it and sing very badly a half version of the birthday song. They thought it was cool and funny but I really just wanted them to know how aware I was of them and their lives.

Now, a mom would think that after a lifetime of showing them how to be respectful, what respect looks like and sounds like and feels like, that they would automatically have it in them by 18 years old to have respect as part of their DNA.

Yes and no.

What I am learning very painfully is that I did so much respecting of them that I never stopped to fully show them how to respect themselves or me. On some basic level I did teach them self-respect like bathing, teeth brushing, care of clothing, and the importance of a thank you whether in note form or verbal but it wasn’t enough. I did teach them to stand up for themselves but it seems not very well.

We all have demons living inside of us that talk trash to us about how we are not good enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, not talented enough. Some of us are able to outgrow those little annoying negative voices and some of us are slaves to those voices.

So, here I am dealing with all that I hid from myself and unknowingly did not deal with when it came to my children about how to first and foremost respect myself from the inside out. The most powerful lesson is that even when your children grow up there will always be ways to parent them. The job changes and evolves but the investment never ends. Words, actions, emotions live on long after our bodies do. I’ve learned an important lesson when it comes to integrity of self and of others.

My youngest is going through a very lost, very confusing time in his life and his inner demons are being played out in glorious fashion. His very low self-respect is causing our whole family to want to hide away from all of his negativity but we can’t and more importantly we won’t, regardless of how we feel. His low self-respect shows up in ways such as guilt, blame, lying, secrets, volatile emotions and stress. His body is not responding well to all of his low self-respect and so it is becoming very dangerous for him to continue on this path and that is not healthy for him or for any of us who care and love him so much.

I am forced to see so much of my own insecurities and lack of self-respect showing up in him and I feel at times helpless to empower him and hypocritical to try. But here’s the thing, and it really matters right this moment, we are going through the same thing at the same time and I just might be able to help him and he help me. What wouldn’t a parent do to save their child?

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” –Mark Twain

What does self-respect look like?

If I were to draw a picture of self-respect it would look like flowers blossoming with hope and integrity in the early cool, spring air. It would look like my boys did when they were young and wanted to wear super hero costumes because that is how they saw themselves that day. It would look like girls in high school who wear real clothes when everyone else is wearing pajama pants and slippers to class. It would look like teenagers laughing out loud at something funny their parent said and they didn’t care who saw or heard them laughing.

What does self-respect feel like?

Self-respect feels like warmth. Self-respect feels like having that superhero living inside of me, All. The. Time. Self- respect feels like knowledge, wisdom, confidence and courage all wrapped into one amazing 6th sense. Self-respect feels like being small in stature on the outside but feeling 6’ tall on the inside and letting the inside out. Self-respect feels like being good enough, worthy enough and just enough.

You’ve heard me say it over and over, perspective is everything. What you concentrate on most is what your life will bring to you. If your perspective is negative about yourself then everything you see from your point of view will have undertones of negativity and hopelessness. If you change just one aspect of your point of view from negative to positive then you are creating a crack in the negative to let the happy, positive light in.

I poured all of me into being a mom and took little to no time out for self-development. In that vein I simultaneously showed my children that being an adult meant giving up on all your personal individual rights and being only for someone else. No wonder my son is having a hard time growing into his manhood/adulthood. It sounds like I’m putting an awful lot of responsibility on my shoulders for who they have become so far and not enough responsibility on theirs and maybe I am, however, I feel blessed in the fact that I can see these characteristics so clearly now and hopefully say something and do something and then back up what I say and do in my own life’s example so that he doesn’t continue to believe that he will have to lose himself completely.

So how can I build self-respect and pass on those building lessons to my children?

Understand that self-respect is a close, very close cousin to self-confidence and self-esteem. Each can stand alone if necessary but they all work better together.

Believe every day in my own authenticity. Always stay in touch with my truth and my inner child. The child that day dreams, plans, schemes and loves to show her individuality. My truth showing up in the confidence of the decisions and choices I make, even if my decisions and choices are not in line with someone else’s. Somewhere in our teens we get it our heads that we equally want to be seen for our individual selves while blending in to the social norms so we don’t look “foolish”. We can’t have it both ways. It will always be more fashionable to choose ourselves over being a clone of someone else.

“Don’t go the distance trying to fit in the crowd and be accepted by others. Accept and respect yourself first.” Elizabeth E. Castillo

I think the most important step to create respect for myself is to forgive myself. I will absolutely, without a doubt make mistakes and have things from my past that I am not proud of. Respect grows from understanding what went wrong, learning from those wrong steps and constantly improving who I am and who I want to be. Self-respect grows from acknowledging wrongs to others as well. As a child I had a hard time saying I’m sorry to anyone but being able to be so vulnerable and humble builds self-respect quicker than anything I have ever experienced. I’ve also learned that once I apologize to myself and/or to others, I need to let it go. Move forward and leave the pain and incident behind. If I keep bringing it with me I haven’t learned anything and I might as well wear a sign on me every day that says “unworthy.”

I have learned that the person I have to ask for forgiveness from the most is: myself. You must love yourself. You have to forgive yourself, every day, whenever you remember a shortcoming, a flaw, you have to tell yourself “That’s just fine”. You have to forgive yourself so much, until you don’t even see those things anymore. Because that’s what love is like.” C. JoyBell C

Know my character strengths, know myself. Character strengths are the building blocks to who I want to be and been seen as; what I believe about myself without a doubt. These strengths allow me to develop my own core standards of living and the talents I can use to actually make that life happen. These strengths allow me to handle criticism with a growth mindset instead of persecution mindset, they allow me to see beauty and excellence in all things, and they allow me to work on values that are not so strong yet because I have a growing understanding of all the possibilities that live inside of me.

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.” Maya Angelou

Dress to impress……ME. Treat me as I would treat a stranger or anyone I love. If wearing nice clothes helps me feel good about me then I need to make sure I wear nice clothes. How many times did I tell my children, the boys mostly, that when you dress to learn you will learn because you feel good about your appearance. Feeling good makes you stand taller and talk more and interact more and take responsibility more. When you dress to be slouchy and comfortable you will be lazy in all things. Besides that little nugget it’s so fun to wear clothes that look nice. When you look nice you feel nice and then you act nice.

“If I waited for a proper occasion to get dressed up I’d never wear half of these clothes. Put on the clothes and you make things happen to match them. It doesn’t work the other way around.” Erin Kelly

Best foot forward. This goes beyond what I wear. This speaks to my reputation and integrity. Stay true to who I am and who I believe I am. I may falter from time to time, my ideas may not work out the way I planned but I will always try to pick myself up again each time I fall and that is what people will know for sure about me. If I lose respect for me how can anyone keep respect for me?

“Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds.” George Eliot, Adam Bede

Give what I want to get. If I want to have friends, I need to be a friend. If I want people to support me then I have to be supportive of others. If I want respect then I need to show respect, always.

“If you don’t give, you don’t get.” Krishna Sagar, Summit Your Everest: Your Coach for Obstacle & Failure Management

Let bad feelings come and then promise to let them go. Don’t let bad feelings about me linger too long. It takes no time at all to fall down and stay down.

“Self-pity, while it should be accorded due respect, is the greatest of all acids to the human soul.” Paul Hoffman, The Last Four Things

Don’t become dependent on the praise from other people. Sure it’s a great feeling to get those “atta girl” accolades but with all my heart try not to depend on the approval from others. Be confident enough within me to know for sure that I did a great job even if no one took notice.

“Hold dear and true friends close to your heart, it matters not where you find them, only that you treat them with love and respect always.” L.M. Fields

I hope this list of lessons will help you on your journey through self-respect. Need some help? Write to me and I’ll be your helper.

Call to Action

“If you had to spend every second, of every day, of every year of your life with someone, would you do whatever it took to love that person? Would you be a best friend, a teacher, coach and mentor? Would you do whatever it takes to treat that person with respect? Well guess what? That someone is you! Who deserves the best more than you do? Think about it and have an outstanding day…!”James A. Murphy, The Waves of Life Quotes and Daily Meditations

Happy YOU Year

Happy YOU Year….              

Welcome to my first mini-series blog post. In this mini-series I will be guiding you through what it means to change and why we do it, whether it is with purpose or subconsciously. There are 2 books that have inspired me to consider this topic as a mini-series. The first book is called “Changing For Good” (CFG) by Drs. James O. Prochaska, Ph.D., John Norcross, Ph.D., and Carlo C. DiClemente, Ph.D. Together these 3 brilliant minds discuss change theory and give real person examples of how the change process works.

The second book that I found to be an amazing and at times humorous and enlightening read is called “Changeology” (CO) by Dr. John Norcross, Ph.D. Both of these books take the reader through step by step processes in aiding anyone through making significant, stick-to-it changes. My hope is to break down these processes into understandable language that won’t take too long to read through. I am aiming for simplicity even though making changes on any level is anything but simple.

Change is all around us at this time of year; a new year, a new opportunity to start fresh. What does it really mean to change, to revolutionize, to become, to metamorphose?

 

“You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be.” – Marianne WIlliamsom

So to get started take a moment and think about just what changes you want to make in your life. This exercise could take a lifetime to do however I am asking you to think about just one thing. It can be huge like stopping smoking or changing jobs and/or careers or it can be small like cleaning out the attic or dressing differently.

Change happens whether we change something in or about our lives with purpose or we just keep thinking about the changes we want to make but do nothing about it at all. Consider for instance a birthday or a new year or a new week. These changes happen with us or without us being mindful of them. What we do to acknowledge these changes is where the fun begins. Time is the only change that occurs whether we want it to or not. In order to feel connected to time passing we have to somehow harness the power of time. It is an illusion to think that there will always be a later on or a tomorrow. It is important to remember that all we have is this moment. When the moment is gone it is gone forever BUT each moment can be a catalyst toward the next moment. My hope is to inspire you to create your moments and not allow them to pass undetected and unrealized. My hope is to avoid, as much as possible that which creates a feeling of wasting time or of helplessness.

 

We do have some say over our behaviors, thoughts, feelings and actions and that in itself is a harness of time. Moments where we find ourselves feeling stronger, more empowered, healthier, more in tune to our bodies and minds is a way for us to use time to its best advantage.

Throughout each mini-series post I will take a look at the stages of change much like grief having its own stages and I will give you wisdom wizards that will help you think more open-mindedly and hopefully kick-start you toward taking possession of whatever changes you want to create. My wisdom wizards are carefully selected and profound words and phrases of encouragement that will be so thought provoking that hopefully you will be inspired to do just one thing every day toward becoming the person you want to be.

“It can be argued that there are few differences between therapy-change and self-change. All change is self-change and therapy is simply professionally coached self-change.”(pg. 17 CFG)

I am a personal growth professional. I believe that while I know you have the inner power to change what you want about yourself or your thoughts or your feelings, I know how uplifting and powerful it is to work with someone who is completely on your side through the changes you want to make. “When you are trying to motivate yourself appreciate the fact that you are even thinking about making a change. And as you move forward, allow yourself to be good enough.” – Alice Domar

Having that one special person completely and wholeheartedly believe in you, stand with you, hold you to your goal, guide you along the rough roads ahead, is something that is priceless and can make all the difference in making the changes stick for good. Just like a parent helps a toddler learn to walk or to ride a bike so does a life coach help his/her client understand what it will take to get to where he/she wants to be and I will stand with you and behind you every step of the way.

I have found that the one greatest obstacle toward change is that it isn’t easy. We all want everything right now, this instant. To wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and see the body we dream of having, to go to that job that is just right for us, to feel happiness throughout our bodies because we summon it to be so. “Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.” – George R.R. Martin, Game of Thrones

Change doesn’t work like that although I argue that the very first step in making this change process take hold is to dream and think and believe that it can happen. “Any activity that you initiate to help modify your thinking, feeling or behavior is a change process.” (pg. 25 CFG) Without that deep rooted belief nothing is possible. “Nothing really worth having is easy to get. The hard fought battles, the goals won with sacrifice, are the ones that matter.” –Aisha Tyler

So the questions that need answering are:

*How hard are you willing to work to get what you want?

*Where in your body do you start to believe that what you want is not only possible but yours for the taking?

*What are the fears you are believing right now that might be preventing you from making the changes you want to make?

As I mentioned earlier, there is great comfort in knowing that you are not alone when it comes to wanting to change something in your life. Whether you seek the help of a support group, a life coach, a close friend, a spouse, or a therapist, just knowing that you are not alone is a huge deep breath of hope.

         It Starts with the First Step

That said, here is the first change stage to start off this mini-series. There are some people that are being asked by friends or loved ones to make changes or are being alerted toward the need to change something in their lives.  Those changes are very much against the way that person wants or chooses to live. In scientific terms this is called the Pre-contemplation stage. We all know that to contemplate something is to think about that something, to reflect, to consider it. In pre-contemplation we are not even close to thinking about anything. We just go along doing what we always do without regard or care for consequences or fall out. We are not necessarily happy in what we are doing but we are certainly not looking to change what we are doing. Pre-contemplation says things like:

*I don’t have a problem.

*I have nothing I want to change in my life.

*The way I am is the way I was meant to be.

*If I have a problem then it’s because it’s in my DNA. It runs in my family. I can’t change.

Words like denial, demoralization, shame, defensive, anger, resistance, depression, low self-respect, and irrational are ways to describe the person who is not even close to being ready to change. People who are not willing to acknowledge that change is needed have an easy time of blaming others for their problems.  It becomes easy to redirect anger toward other people. Everything is someone else’s’ fault. Sometimes change is so hard to consider that the person completely blames themselves for creating the problem. The person feels defeated and low before anything positive can possibly happen. They are not always aware that there is a problem but more so they are helpless and are feeling protected by the safety they find in the self-hate.

 

“Sometimes, though, you make a pact with yourself. I’ll pretend there is nothing wrong if you pretend there is nothing wrong. It is called denial, and it is one of the strongest pacts in the world. Just ask those people who were still drinking champagne while the Titanic went down.” –Neal Shusterman, Dread Locks

Maybe your denial is filled with defiance as well.” I’ll show you, I’ll enjoy my own demise.”

How can a person facing this kind of uphill battle toward change get close to the happiness they want deep down inside? How can a loved one help a person in such denial and low self-respect?

*Increase awareness of the problem. Information is ammunition so that once the obstacles toward happiness are laid out clearly and simply the words can’t be taken back or forgotten. The evidence speaks for itself. Here is where help comes in whether it is in small articles to read, a doctor visit, groups to join or someone to talk to one on one. Choices most of all are catalysts toward awareness and change. Having options to take toward change is very important and empowering. “Don’t let a day go by without asking who you are….each time you let a new ingredient to enter your awareness.”Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life

*Be patient and kind with yourself. Try not to push someone or yourself toward change if you are not completely ready to understand and then take steps toward change. “People underestimate their capacity for change. There is never a right time to do a difficult thing.” –John Porter

“Remember to view yourself and your humanness with a kind heart.” –Elizabeth Berrien, Creative Grieving: A Hip Chick’s Path From Loss to Hope

*Don’t give up. It may take more time than you want it to take but time is your friend and by allowing the time you are helping to create awareness and a safe space to exist in and talk in and time will go a long way toward eventually taking action. “It always seems impossible until you can say, ‘I’m Possible’.” – Coach Lisa

*Build up your army of allies. Who is on your side? Who provides moral support? What foundations exist to help you? “Every success I have ever had or will have in the future comes not solely
from my own ambition and hard work, but also from those that have encouraged,
supported and challenged me. Success is never, ever a one person job.”
–T. S. Tate

“Self-help groups send out a powerful message to isolated pre-contemplators who are embarrassed or ashamed to admit that they have personal problems.” This kind of group says, “You are not the only person going through this problem; our group can help you to accept yourself as a person with an issue/problem and to do the best that you can to change it.” (pg. 101 CFG)

My Story

It took me 11 years to finally get up enough courage and fortitude and health information to stop denying that an operation I needed to have had to be done. For all of that time I spent a good portion of it blaming any outside force I could think of, especially my body, for betraying me. I was angry and in denial that the problem existed at all but in deep denial that the problem would get worse. The rest of the time I was just afraid. I was afraid of hospitals and operations and anesthesia and that feeling of being out of control.

Eleven years is a very long time to take to make a change and champion myself. I had to decide and most of all believe that not only was this operation going to be good for me physically but mentally as well. I think that it is an extreme case of time in this example but it is also a good example of just how long it can take some pre-contemplators to FINALLY get to where they need to be. I had my family and my doctor to support me but most of all I had my mind made up that this was going to be a good change. I’ll save the rest of this story for the change stage that will talk about action and outcome. Stay tuned……..

Call to Action

To help you figure out if you are a pre-contemplator or further along in the stages of change be honest in answering these questions for yourself:

1) I actively look for information to my or any problem I may have.

2) I have someone in my life that listens when I have a need to talk about my problems.

3) I find that the world around me is changing in ways that make it easier for me to change.

4) I know when I am resistant to help from anyone.

5) Whenever something negative happens to me it is rarely because of something I did to cause that negative occurrence.

These are yes and no questions but you may find that a maybe or an answer of not quite fits better. These questions are designed to help start to create awareness so try to think of specific situations that each question could apply to and write about that situation. See if you can read where you can honestly take responsibility for some of the negative fallout. Owning your part of the story of any helpless feeling is a great first step toward change.

 

Here are the 2 books that I recommend reading:

http://www.amazon.com/Changing-Good-Revolutionary-Overcoming-Positively-ebook/dp/B003GYEH2Y/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1389141403&sr=1-1&keywords=changing+for+good

  www.amazon.com/Changeology-Steps-Realizing-Resolutions-Norcross/dp/B00CAYHN72/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1389141450&sr=1-3&keywords=changeology

 For information about coaching, whether it is in a like-minded group atmosphere or one on one please contact lisa@journeyoncoaching.com or call 203-560-3061. For more wisdom wizards please visit her website at www.journeyoncoaching.com  or visit Lisa’s Pinterest Board at http://www.pinterest.com/lisazaccagnini/wisdom-wizards/.

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3 Lessons learned from a 12 pack of iced tea cans

3 Lessons Learned from a 12 Pack of Iced Tea Cans

           discipline            

“Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.” –Plato

“Coach Lisa, I need clarity on how to create a teachable moment for my son regarding discipline. I feel so lost now that he is a teenager. When he was little discipline looked a lot different than it does now. How do I help him see discipline as a good thing?”

This was a very concerned parent/client of mine who just felt powerless to be able to get through to her son regarding self-discipline. Raising children is not easy. We think it might get easier as the children get older mostly because we can talk with each other instead of a more child-like “at each other” stance, but that is not always the case. It is so true when you hear the cliché, “small children, small problems, big children, big problems.” Let’s take a look shall we?

I always like to start by grounding myself in a clear definition. Definitions are a great diving board into how to proceed from right where you stand. So, Dictionary.com defines the word discipline thus:

  1. Training to act in accordance with rules
  2. An activity, exercise or regimen that develops or improves a skill
  3. To bring a state of order, obedience and control to a situation
  4. To punish or penalize in order to train, control, correct or chastise.

No wonder the word discipline has such a bad rap. Look at all of those nasty words that make up the definition. Let’s go a bit further and see if we can find some friendlier words; something a bit more pliable and workable. I love the Thesaurus. The Thesaurus is my best friend because I like finding words for words.

When I had my client look up synonyms for discipline I could see her face relax a bit and she even started to smile. She read some of the synonyms out loud: cultivation, training as if building endurance, code as in ethics, or prepare. Now doesn’t that sound more hopeful?

Client: “But how can I use these words to their best advantage?”

Coach Lisa: “What pictures come to mind when you start to play with these synonyms?”

It takes a while for a client to get into the mindset of thinking outside the box of their default methods. The one thing my client had going for her was that she recognized that what used to work in getting through to her son when he was little just wasn’t working now that he was older. I was pushing my client to think more creatively; more like how her son would interpret these words.

Client: “Well, he started driving recently and has a part time job. I could cultivate an atmosphere of gas conservation.”

Coach Lisa: “If you were your son, how would you hear that?”

Client: “Well, when you ask the question that way I guess it kind of sounds hard edged, or constricting or I get a feeling of tightness in my chest.”

Coach Lisa: “Can you think of something less weighty as an example to present to him?”

Client: “The only thing that is coming to my mind is food. He sees how tight my budget is for food these days so when I am able to buy his favorite treats he consumes them with such vigor that the treats never make it to the end of the week.”

Coach Lisa: “How can you keep exploring that idea?”

Client: “The first thing that comes to my mind is teaching him how to discipline himself with the treats I buy.”

Coach Lisa: “Explain.”

Client: “Well, he enjoys when I am able to pack a drink with his lunch. I’m not always able to do that so he drinks water from the fountain at school on those days that there is no drink in his lunch bag. When I am able to pack a drink, he likes it when I pack an iced tea can. I buy a 12 pack of iced tea cans that I figure can last me for 2 weeks’ worth of lunches if I ration out the cans only for lunch. If he sees the 12 pack he digs into it whenever he gets thirsty. Before the 2 weeks are finished he is back to having to drink from the water fountain at school.

Coach Lisa: “Where do you see an opportunity here?”

Client:  “I know that if I take the temptation away for him to just grab a can of iced tea whenever he wants one then he just finds something else to drink but that isn’t teaching him anything.”

Coach Lisa: “What do you want him to learn?”

Client: “I want him to learn to prepare, to stick to a pre-determined plan of attack, and think things through before he acts on impulse.”

This is where my client got really stuck. We explored ways that she has been successful in getting through to her son in the past. We explored what really gets him fired up. She decided that she would challenge her son to get buddy, buddy with his iced tea cans. She purchased the 12 pack on her next grocery shopping trip and plunked the 12 pack in front of him.

Client: “So I challenged him to make this 12 pack last for 2 weeks. I told him I wasn’t going to help him make the 12 pack last that long. In the past I would just hide the 12 pack and if he didn’t see it he wouldn’t think about it. This challenge forced him to deal with his desire and impulse verses being conservative. I knew he gets fired up when challenged.”

Coach Lisa: “So, how did it go?” “What lessons did he learn?”

“Self-control is the chief element in self-respect, and self-respect is the chief element in courage.” Thucydides, The History of the Peloponnesian War

My client told me that it worked. He made the 12 pack last the 2 weeks. She told me that her son told her it was really hard to make those cans last that long. She said that he decided that he really wanted, most of all, to make sure he had a can available to him for each lunch day at school. He figured out that by doing that he had 1 can left over each week. He treated himself to a leftover can with a lunch he made during the weekend. She said that when she asked him what he was learning with the iced tea cans he rattled off  3 main things:

1)      How to be conservative and choose more carefully.

2)      How to weigh the pros and cons of drinking a can now or saving it for later.

3)      How to create a worthwhile routine of getting the most out of each use.

Her son learned other lessons too like sticking to what was most important toward his enjoyment of the iced tea, being able to enjoy them at each school lunch, he learned that preparing a plan in his mind first made it easier to stick with in execution, and he told her that he learned that although he was able to make the iced tea cans last for those 2 weeks he got the most pleasure out of being able to drink one on the weekends. It kept the feeling of the iced tea cans as a treat.

I am a big, huge, monster fan of using tangible things to help create a teachable moment. Kids seems to learn best when they can touch the learning. And by the way, so do adults. Touch is a very important part of learning.

According to ehow.com there are 5 strategies you can use to help get some self-discipline going:

1)      Remove temptation or distracting influences from your home and life. This encourages self-discipline by making it less of a choice.

2)      Send some good cheer your way. Remind yourself how well you are doing. Leave little sticky notes in some very obvious places that give you pep talks and “atta girl/boy” encouragement along the way.

3)      Spell it out. If you have a project due put it on the calendar in specific detail. What is due, when it is due. Perhaps break each step of the project down into small due date steps. Like our teenager who knew he wanted an iced tea can each day for lunch at school for 2 weeks. He had to make sure he stuck to that schedule.

4)      Like our teenager, he created a routine for himself by allotting one can of iced tea per lunch each day of school. Setting up a routine makes you much more aware and present.

5)      Make sure that what you are trying to get disciplined about brings you happiness in the overall. If you are not happy doing the steps toward self-discipline then all the preparing, cultivating and ethics will make it harder to achieve your end result.

stacked cans

So, how about you? Are you ready to take steps toward self-discipline? What is your big agenda?

1) How is your life like a 12 pack of iced tea cans?

2) How can you get disciplined and enjoy it?

3) What strategies have you used to curb temptation and increase self-discipline?

Please share your story. I can’t wait to hear from you.

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Lisa has been featured in Parent Magazine and in the book Stay-At-Home Mom’s Guide to Making Money by Liz Folger. Please visit her website at www.journeyoncoachingservices.com

Coaching is a great vehicle to help navigate through those sticky tough, tumultuous times of parenting, career and life itself. All it take is a spoonful of sugar. If you would like to see how coaching can supercharge your spirit please call or write to me and let’s discover your creativity and resourcefulness in a judgment free, empowering, uplifting space. Your personal discovery awaits….