Happy YOU Year

Happy YOU Year….              

Welcome to my first mini-series blog post. In this mini-series I will be guiding you through what it means to change and why we do it, whether it is with purpose or subconsciously. There are 2 books that have inspired me to consider this topic as a mini-series. The first book is called “Changing For Good” (CFG) by Drs. James O. Prochaska, Ph.D., John Norcross, Ph.D., and Carlo C. DiClemente, Ph.D. Together these 3 brilliant minds discuss change theory and give real person examples of how the change process works.

The second book that I found to be an amazing and at times humorous and enlightening read is called “Changeology” (CO) by Dr. John Norcross, Ph.D. Both of these books take the reader through step by step processes in aiding anyone through making significant, stick-to-it changes. My hope is to break down these processes into understandable language that won’t take too long to read through. I am aiming for simplicity even though making changes on any level is anything but simple.

Change is all around us at this time of year; a new year, a new opportunity to start fresh. What does it really mean to change, to revolutionize, to become, to metamorphose?

 

“You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be.” – Marianne WIlliamsom

So to get started take a moment and think about just what changes you want to make in your life. This exercise could take a lifetime to do however I am asking you to think about just one thing. It can be huge like stopping smoking or changing jobs and/or careers or it can be small like cleaning out the attic or dressing differently.

Change happens whether we change something in or about our lives with purpose or we just keep thinking about the changes we want to make but do nothing about it at all. Consider for instance a birthday or a new year or a new week. These changes happen with us or without us being mindful of them. What we do to acknowledge these changes is where the fun begins. Time is the only change that occurs whether we want it to or not. In order to feel connected to time passing we have to somehow harness the power of time. It is an illusion to think that there will always be a later on or a tomorrow. It is important to remember that all we have is this moment. When the moment is gone it is gone forever BUT each moment can be a catalyst toward the next moment. My hope is to inspire you to create your moments and not allow them to pass undetected and unrealized. My hope is to avoid, as much as possible that which creates a feeling of wasting time or of helplessness.

 

We do have some say over our behaviors, thoughts, feelings and actions and that in itself is a harness of time. Moments where we find ourselves feeling stronger, more empowered, healthier, more in tune to our bodies and minds is a way for us to use time to its best advantage.

Throughout each mini-series post I will take a look at the stages of change much like grief having its own stages and I will give you wisdom wizards that will help you think more open-mindedly and hopefully kick-start you toward taking possession of whatever changes you want to create. My wisdom wizards are carefully selected and profound words and phrases of encouragement that will be so thought provoking that hopefully you will be inspired to do just one thing every day toward becoming the person you want to be.

“It can be argued that there are few differences between therapy-change and self-change. All change is self-change and therapy is simply professionally coached self-change.”(pg. 17 CFG)

I am a personal growth professional. I believe that while I know you have the inner power to change what you want about yourself or your thoughts or your feelings, I know how uplifting and powerful it is to work with someone who is completely on your side through the changes you want to make. “When you are trying to motivate yourself appreciate the fact that you are even thinking about making a change. And as you move forward, allow yourself to be good enough.” – Alice Domar

Having that one special person completely and wholeheartedly believe in you, stand with you, hold you to your goal, guide you along the rough roads ahead, is something that is priceless and can make all the difference in making the changes stick for good. Just like a parent helps a toddler learn to walk or to ride a bike so does a life coach help his/her client understand what it will take to get to where he/she wants to be and I will stand with you and behind you every step of the way.

I have found that the one greatest obstacle toward change is that it isn’t easy. We all want everything right now, this instant. To wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and see the body we dream of having, to go to that job that is just right for us, to feel happiness throughout our bodies because we summon it to be so. “Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.” – George R.R. Martin, Game of Thrones

Change doesn’t work like that although I argue that the very first step in making this change process take hold is to dream and think and believe that it can happen. “Any activity that you initiate to help modify your thinking, feeling or behavior is a change process.” (pg. 25 CFG) Without that deep rooted belief nothing is possible. “Nothing really worth having is easy to get. The hard fought battles, the goals won with sacrifice, are the ones that matter.” –Aisha Tyler

So the questions that need answering are:

*How hard are you willing to work to get what you want?

*Where in your body do you start to believe that what you want is not only possible but yours for the taking?

*What are the fears you are believing right now that might be preventing you from making the changes you want to make?

As I mentioned earlier, there is great comfort in knowing that you are not alone when it comes to wanting to change something in your life. Whether you seek the help of a support group, a life coach, a close friend, a spouse, or a therapist, just knowing that you are not alone is a huge deep breath of hope.

         It Starts with the First Step

That said, here is the first change stage to start off this mini-series. There are some people that are being asked by friends or loved ones to make changes or are being alerted toward the need to change something in their lives.  Those changes are very much against the way that person wants or chooses to live. In scientific terms this is called the Pre-contemplation stage. We all know that to contemplate something is to think about that something, to reflect, to consider it. In pre-contemplation we are not even close to thinking about anything. We just go along doing what we always do without regard or care for consequences or fall out. We are not necessarily happy in what we are doing but we are certainly not looking to change what we are doing. Pre-contemplation says things like:

*I don’t have a problem.

*I have nothing I want to change in my life.

*The way I am is the way I was meant to be.

*If I have a problem then it’s because it’s in my DNA. It runs in my family. I can’t change.

Words like denial, demoralization, shame, defensive, anger, resistance, depression, low self-respect, and irrational are ways to describe the person who is not even close to being ready to change. People who are not willing to acknowledge that change is needed have an easy time of blaming others for their problems.  It becomes easy to redirect anger toward other people. Everything is someone else’s’ fault. Sometimes change is so hard to consider that the person completely blames themselves for creating the problem. The person feels defeated and low before anything positive can possibly happen. They are not always aware that there is a problem but more so they are helpless and are feeling protected by the safety they find in the self-hate.

 

“Sometimes, though, you make a pact with yourself. I’ll pretend there is nothing wrong if you pretend there is nothing wrong. It is called denial, and it is one of the strongest pacts in the world. Just ask those people who were still drinking champagne while the Titanic went down.” –Neal Shusterman, Dread Locks

Maybe your denial is filled with defiance as well.” I’ll show you, I’ll enjoy my own demise.”

How can a person facing this kind of uphill battle toward change get close to the happiness they want deep down inside? How can a loved one help a person in such denial and low self-respect?

*Increase awareness of the problem. Information is ammunition so that once the obstacles toward happiness are laid out clearly and simply the words can’t be taken back or forgotten. The evidence speaks for itself. Here is where help comes in whether it is in small articles to read, a doctor visit, groups to join or someone to talk to one on one. Choices most of all are catalysts toward awareness and change. Having options to take toward change is very important and empowering. “Don’t let a day go by without asking who you are….each time you let a new ingredient to enter your awareness.”Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life

*Be patient and kind with yourself. Try not to push someone or yourself toward change if you are not completely ready to understand and then take steps toward change. “People underestimate their capacity for change. There is never a right time to do a difficult thing.” –John Porter

“Remember to view yourself and your humanness with a kind heart.” –Elizabeth Berrien, Creative Grieving: A Hip Chick’s Path From Loss to Hope

*Don’t give up. It may take more time than you want it to take but time is your friend and by allowing the time you are helping to create awareness and a safe space to exist in and talk in and time will go a long way toward eventually taking action. “It always seems impossible until you can say, ‘I’m Possible’.” – Coach Lisa

*Build up your army of allies. Who is on your side? Who provides moral support? What foundations exist to help you? “Every success I have ever had or will have in the future comes not solely
from my own ambition and hard work, but also from those that have encouraged,
supported and challenged me. Success is never, ever a one person job.”
–T. S. Tate

“Self-help groups send out a powerful message to isolated pre-contemplators who are embarrassed or ashamed to admit that they have personal problems.” This kind of group says, “You are not the only person going through this problem; our group can help you to accept yourself as a person with an issue/problem and to do the best that you can to change it.” (pg. 101 CFG)

My Story

It took me 11 years to finally get up enough courage and fortitude and health information to stop denying that an operation I needed to have had to be done. For all of that time I spent a good portion of it blaming any outside force I could think of, especially my body, for betraying me. I was angry and in denial that the problem existed at all but in deep denial that the problem would get worse. The rest of the time I was just afraid. I was afraid of hospitals and operations and anesthesia and that feeling of being out of control.

Eleven years is a very long time to take to make a change and champion myself. I had to decide and most of all believe that not only was this operation going to be good for me physically but mentally as well. I think that it is an extreme case of time in this example but it is also a good example of just how long it can take some pre-contemplators to FINALLY get to where they need to be. I had my family and my doctor to support me but most of all I had my mind made up that this was going to be a good change. I’ll save the rest of this story for the change stage that will talk about action and outcome. Stay tuned……..

Call to Action

To help you figure out if you are a pre-contemplator or further along in the stages of change be honest in answering these questions for yourself:

1) I actively look for information to my or any problem I may have.

2) I have someone in my life that listens when I have a need to talk about my problems.

3) I find that the world around me is changing in ways that make it easier for me to change.

4) I know when I am resistant to help from anyone.

5) Whenever something negative happens to me it is rarely because of something I did to cause that negative occurrence.

These are yes and no questions but you may find that a maybe or an answer of not quite fits better. These questions are designed to help start to create awareness so try to think of specific situations that each question could apply to and write about that situation. See if you can read where you can honestly take responsibility for some of the negative fallout. Owning your part of the story of any helpless feeling is a great first step toward change.

 

Here are the 2 books that I recommend reading:

http://www.amazon.com/Changing-Good-Revolutionary-Overcoming-Positively-ebook/dp/B003GYEH2Y/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1389141403&sr=1-1&keywords=changing+for+good

  www.amazon.com/Changeology-Steps-Realizing-Resolutions-Norcross/dp/B00CAYHN72/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1389141450&sr=1-3&keywords=changeology

 For information about coaching, whether it is in a like-minded group atmosphere or one on one please contact lisa@journeyoncoaching.com or call 203-560-3061. For more wisdom wizards please visit her website at www.journeyoncoaching.com  or visit Lisa’s Pinterest Board at http://www.pinterest.com/lisazaccagnini/wisdom-wizards/.

**Images by Bing.com

*Call to Action questions from Changing for Good 

10 reasons why those last 5 minutes of the party are so amazing

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise. “ – Robert Fritz

If you limit your choices to only attend the party but not engage in conversation because you don’t know anyone anyway, that seems reasonable because at least you are at the party. If you attend the party but act disconnected from what is going on around you the compromise remains that at least you went to the party. What is the truth you are not willing to admit?

The truth is that you really want to engage with others, converse, participate, make new acquaintances or dare I say, friends but you are paralyzed by fear and self-doubt and nothing good can come from being in a room full of people you don’t know so why make any effort?

“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that things are difficult.” –Seneca

It is a new year. No doubt you were in a similar or very near social situation during the holiday season. How did you do? What leap forward did you make so that you pushed the boundaries of difficulty? The real question is what happened during the last 5 minutes of the party?

Invariably the last 5 minutes of any social gathering is always the most fun, or the most engaging or the most entertaining leaving you with a feeling something like, ”oh I wish I could have felt this open and comfortable when I arrived.” Instead of beating yourself up over what didn’t happen sooner or what might have been if only……. Let’s take a look at what did happen and how great it was for you to be there.

  1.   You went to the party. Celebrate the fact that you took action on something instead of doing nothing. Most likely you didn’t want to go but felt obligated to go in some way. You did it for reputation sake or for the sake of someone else but you went. Your senses were on high alert. At first you only felt the discomfort of being out of place, of not wanting to be there, of thinking about all of the things you could be doing instead, etc. “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” –Anais Nin. You showed great perspective in your choice. “Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.” – Aldous Huxley. Good job!!

2.    Somewhere along the way through this social situation the playing field started to feel a bit more level and balanced. Perhaps people were more relaxed around you because they were drinking, perhaps they were making up stories about you in their own minds and started to become fascinated with meeting you so they approached you first, perhaps they were just good at networking and so meeting someone new was a great opportunity for them. What you probably noticed without realizing it was that you started to flow with whatever was happening and let your mind be free. You stayed centered by accepting whatever you were doing. This is the ultimate in recognizing or acting in balance.” –Chuang Tzu. I wonder what would happen at social gatherings such as a party if everyone in the room acted as if they were the host?

3.     You’ve all had dinner and have had a chance to meet new people and relax a bit. You probably did a little check in with yourself about whether you would want to get someone’s number, deepen an acquaintance, or leave the way you came, feeling like this was a waste of time. What is really happening here is the voice inside of you asking whether you have the courage to make something happen. Will you stand still and let moments go by, will you explore your curiosities and start a conversation, will you walk out the door at the end of the night and for a little while feel triumphant because at least you were at the party only to realize days later that you should have been more bold and courageous and gotten so-and-so’s number. “In their daily life, all are braver than they know.” –Henry David Thoreau. Consider yourself to have been brave simply because you showed up. What else can you remember about that night that would fall in the category of bravery and courage?

4.     I can almost guarantee that at some point you felt bored with the situation you were in but something small sparked your curiosity. Someone said something that surprised you, someone made a spectacle of themselves, or someone performed that sent shivers down your spine. “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” –Ellen Parr. What grabbed you so fiercely that your curiosity was peaked and your imagination took over? How did your curiosity open doors for you that night? Curiosity is to be celebrated because you opened yourself up to learn and discover and recognize something that might have stayed illusive and hidden forever. Go you!!

5.     Even though you started out not wanting to be at this social event the bottom line is that you attended. You showed great courage but also great kindness. It might have been a more wise decision to just stay home or go out with other friends but wisdom took over. “Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.” –Theodore Isaac Rubin. Are you sitting a little taller right now for not even realizing what a great thing it is you did and how the impression you left behind could work in your favor?

6.    Let’s say the evening was a disaster just as you thought it would be. Does that make the experience a failure? “To acknowledge you were wrong yesterday is to acknowledge you are wiser today. “ –Charles Haddon Spurgeon. Sure, you can feel a little embarrassed about your behavior but wouldn’t it be more productive to take what you did and learn from it for the next time? Make a vow to be better in the future whether it be in disposition, behavior, engagement or kindness. A failure isn’t a failure if you learned something right away.

7.    Let’s recognize the perseverance you showed in attending this social soiree by meeting new people, by conversing about nothing important, by tolerating the food, by understanding why you gave up doing something else and attended this gathering instead.  If I have belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” –Mahatma Gandhi. You may not have thought you would make it through the night in one piece but actually you believed enough in yourself that not only did you make it through but you guaranteed that you could do it again should you need to.

8.    Perhaps the reason for your reluctance to attend the party was something as simply complicated as feeling inferior, whether it be because you didn’t know how to converse with this particular group of people or because you have never felt comfortable in social situations. Whatever your belief is around inferiority remember this, When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” –Lao Tzu. This is great ammunition for the next big social event and now you are armed and ready to go.

9.    No matter how the night turned out there is one thing for sure; you learned something about yourself this night. Your self-discovery is a powerful realization. “One of the greatest moments in anybody’s developing experience is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is.” –Norman Vincent Peale. Discover on……

10.    This takes us to those inevitable last 5 minutes of the party. Are you elated because it’s over and you feel proud to have made it through? Are you amazed that time went by so quickly and now you have a little ache to actually stay and schmooze because, let’s face it, you actually had a good time? What has happened is that you and everyone around you, those that you feel truly in tune with now that the end of the night is near, have achieved acceptance;  acceptance of the gathering, acceptance of yourself, acceptance of everyone around you. “Acceptance. It is the true thing everyone longs for. The one thing everyone craves; to walk into a room and to be greeted by everyone with hugs and smiles. And in that small passing moment, you truly know you are loved, needed, and accepted.” –Rena Harmon. Remember this most of all because should you see these people again you will be accepted and everything else will either magnify to a successful degree or disappear because it is now not an issue anymore.

Journey On in this brand new year towards acceptance of self and making those many, many last five minutes the most impactful and meaningful ever. Happy YOU Year!!!

“Coaching is about helping clients unlock the treasure-chest of their lives. It is worth bearing in mind then that diamonds are made from coal under pressure and it is the grit in the oyster which creates the pearls.” – Sarah Durrant

If you are ready to ”get coached” or are just wondering if it is right for you call or write to Lisa to schedule a discovery session. This year could be your best one EVER. To reach Lisa call 203-560-3061 or write to lisa@journeyoncoaching.com. To tour the website go to www.journeyoncoaching.com

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