Ways to Communicate without Anger

In 2014 I wrote this post based around a client of mine going through a holiday get-together that most of us are all too familiar with experiencing.

I was recently was asked to re-publish this post and as I went through it I thought about how relevant this particular issue is today more so due to the presidential election coming up and the emotional state of  our country as a whole. So now I wonder…

If there was truly a way to work through  this post issue, anger, how would you want to learn to manage it and use what you learn in your small corner of the world? Maybe this will spark some ideas…..

Key West

There are times when the ocean is not the ocean – not blue, not even water, but some violent explosion of energy and danger: ferocity on a scale only gods can summon. It hurls itself at the island, sending spray right over the top of the lighthouse, biting pieces off the cliff. And the sound is a roaring of a beast whose anger knows no limits. Those are the nights the light is needed most.” M. L. Stedman – The Light Between Oceans

What I’m learning is that the light is in the asking of the questions and the heart of every human being. The answering is the communication where peace can begin. But I think it matters to go back a little step and start by asking:

Why do people get angry?

Why does anger live so long within us?

Are anger and communication based only on defending, judging, criticizing and/or withdrawing?

Are there rules to communication so that anger can be lessened?

“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” Aristotle

On a coaching call this week my client talked about wanting to better understand and get control of her anger toward her in-laws each and every time they all get together. She started out our session absolutely dreading the upcoming holiday. Her dilemma revolved around the criticism and judgments thrown at her by her in-laws and her own sensitivity to it all. She did not grow up with this kind of self-centeredness and judgment. Logically she knows that people bring their own pasts and life experiences to the table (no pun intended) but she just felt helpless to look at their way of communicating in a non-judgmental way. The overall feeling of anger toward her in-laws was coupled with the knowledge that this was driving a wedge between her and her husband and creating more problems than they both knew what to do with.

So why do people get angry?

Ryan Martin, Ph.D. wrote an article for Psychology Today about the scientific study of anger. In his article he references Dr. Jerry Deffenbacher’s 1996 model of anger by defining what Dr. Deffenbacher calls the trigger event; the event that happens right before someone gets angry for example, perceiving an insult or being cut off in traffic.

“The implication is that those kinds of events caused the person to get angry directly. If that were true then we would all react the same way to such situations.”

There are more than trigger events at play when anger sets in. Individual characteristics such as personality traits and the individual’s pre-anger state are 2 things that matter.

“Competitiveness and low-frustration tolerance are some ways in which a person’s personality characteristics play into anger. As for the pre-anger state of a person just before the trigger event, physiological and psychological situations play heavily into this arena. Feelings of being tired, anxious, stressed out, nervous are considered to be pre-anger triggers. A nervous person already has an elevated heart rate so he/she doesn’t have far to go to become angry.”

Ryan goes on to explain:

“Dr. Deffenbacher’s model of anger is mainly based on the appraisal of the situation by the person on the receiving end. When a person appraises a situation as blameworthy, unjustified, punishable, etc. it pushes buttons with in that person to react with anger. If the person interpreted the situation a little differently he/she wouldn’t have become so angry. The important thing to remember about appraisal isn’t necessarily that the person’s reaction is inaccurate but there are always 2 sides to every story.”

The next question then is how do we communicate effectively so that anger doesn’t show up or take over?

In his outstanding and amazingly insightful book, Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life, Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph. D and author tells of his preoccupation with 2 questions and his attempt to find the answers:

“What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively and what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?”

“When we give from the heart, we do so out of the joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver.”

While getting deeper into the coaching session my client started to become aware of her own compassionate nature and how she deeply desired to live on that plane and not engage in anger and despair. She is by nature a giving, loving, and curious person and realized that she always wanted her marriage to be one of love out loud and as an example to others of what real love looks like. That realization turned the whole session around. But how to get through the inevitable anger she will feel at some point during the holiday visit?

Dr. Rosenberg says:

“There are 4 steps to express anger: (1) Stop and breathe, (2) identify our judgmental thoughts, (3) connect with our needs, and (4) express our feelings and unmet needs. The key to all of the anger is empathy. Empathize with the other person so that he/she will be better able to hear us when we express ourselves.”

The coaching session concluded with awareness that although my client can’t change how other people behave and communicate she can change how she behaves and communicates. By showing up fully for her husband and not giving in to her personal feelings she will be able to create an ally in her husband. More than anything she wants him to know how much he means to her and how much she understands that the holiday get together is equally difficult for him. “Living out loud the loving, caring and supportive marriage I always imagined having is so much more powerful than giving in to the anger and judgments of others.” She now has a plan of action and tools to help her achieve her ultimate goal of making this family holiday one in which she will cherish and not regret. My client says:

“I can’t believe how I am feeling at this moment realizing that it is so much easier to love not only myself but my husband and our child. It feels freeing to know that I can choose love rather than defensiveness and anger toward difficult people. I don’t know for sure if love will bring about a more positive atmosphere all around us but it will bring about more connectedness and compassion in my marriage and therefore to my child.”

Whether we are face to face or in communication through email or text messages or any other social media venue we are always in a position to respond with empathy and heart.

I often find myself wondering when I read the comments section of other blog posts or I read text messages or I witness a negative conversation what was going on in the responder’s mind at the time of a negative comment. What life circumstances pushed that person over the edge?

All of this leads me to take a stronger, more open-minded approach to reader responses whether it be to a blog post, a comment to someone else’s writing or a face to face exchange.

Here is what I’ve learned so far:

Communicating needs and feelings without creating defensiveness and anger can be successfully accomplished by using “I” messages. For example: “I feel taken for granted when the laundry isn’t put away” or “I am having trouble managing my worry around our finances and as a result I am not sleeping very well.” These messages are to the point and simple; they are not blaming or accusing.

“Reflect your thoughts and watch others mirror them back to you.” Stephen Richards

Don’t respond immediately to the comment or letter. Take a deep breath, re-read the response or think through the exchange and think about how it truly applies to what was originally said. Time can be your ally. Take your time to respond. Be thoughtful.

“In quiet places, reason abounds.” Adlai E. Stevenson II

People are not bad inherently. Sometimes their life circumstances have caused them to form habits that are difficult to deal with. It’s not personal.

“The sound of the words as they’re said is always different from the sound they make when they’re heard, because the speaker hears some of the sound from the inside”David Levithan, Every Day

A really great coaching tool that has worked for many of my clients is when I have them do an exercise called purging. In the case of an email or text or letter, sit in a quiet space and hand write every single feeling you are experiencing and use every single word that will make you feel justified if you were going to be utterly, no-holds-barred honest. DO NOT SEND THE WRITTEN RESPONSE. Save it. Wait a few days and re-read your own response. Be aware of how you are feeling as you re-read. Are you still so enraged? Has your own anger or shock lessened? How would you like to communicate now? The point is to not meet on the impulse level of the reader. Rise above by getting out of your system all that you are feeling and let those feelings go. As a final step, rip your letter to pieces or stomp on it or just throw it away.

“Transferring my anger and pain onto paper turns it into something tangible, something that can be shredded or burned, or at the very least, sealed shut in a box. ~Call Me Tuesday”Leigh Byrne

If you were seeing the anger from face to face interaction how would you respond in that moment? Would you want to also be seen as someone losing his cool? Think about your own tone of voice and how you would like to sound or how you would like someone to talk to you about their concerns.

“We do not have control over what happens to us in life, but we do have control over how we chose to respond.”
Bryant McGill, Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life    

If it is important that the other person hear from you right away simply send a follow-up email or text or comment right in that face to face moment by stating that you will respond more fully when you are in a better frame of mind.

Your life mainly consists of 3 things! What you think,  What you say and  What you do! So always be very conscious of what you are co-creating!”
Allan Rufus, The Master’s Sacred Knowledge    

If your response is only in the form of writing then before your response goes out to anyone have someone you trust, someone who knows your heart and intentions, read your response before you send it out. The objective person will be able to stay out of the emotional end of this negative situation.

Merely because you have got something to say that may be of interest to others does not free you from making all due effort to express that something in the best possible medium and form.” [Letter to Max E. Feckler, Oct. 26, 1914]” ― Jack London

Here is where curiosity comes into play: If you sense that your colleague is angry or accusatory ask that person if you are interpreting their response correctly. Don’t assume to know for sure what you are reading or hearing.

“Every man, it seems, interprets the world in the light of his habits and desires.” Richard Wright, The Outsider

Whenever possible don’t write but talk, face to face, person to person. Effective communication is most achievable when we are in the present moment. Stay clear of bringing up the past. Stick to what is happening right now.

“When people don’t express themselves, they die one piece at a time.” Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

There is no substitute for real, live interaction. Your body uses every emoticon there is. Effective communication keeps anger at bay when we remain as calm as possible. Body language can have the same anger inducing affects as something we write. Create breathing space between the parties speaking, reframe when possible for better understanding, keeping advice and opinions to ourselves unless asked to offer that input. These steps all aid in a successful communication process.

We never can completely know what is going on in someone’s life to help us fully understand why they react the way they do. Everyone has something going on that feels overwhelming. Whenever possible put yourself in their shoes and summon a more compassionate you.

Call to Action

How can you begin to speak with your heart so that anger is kept at bay?

Words Are Windows

(or They’re Walls)

I feel so sentenced by your words,

I feel so judged and sent away,

Before I go I’ve got to know,

Is that what you mean to say?

 

Before I rise to my defense,

Before I speak in hurt or fear,

Before I build that wall of words,

Tell me, did I really hear?

 

Words are windows, or they’re walls,

They sentence us, or set us free.

When I speak and when I hear,

Let the love light shine through me.

 

There are things I need to say,

Things that mean so much to me,

If my words don’t make me clear,

Will you help me to be free?

 

If I seemed to put you down,

If you felt I didn’t care,

Try to listen through my words,

To the feelings that we share.

–Ruth Bebermeyer

How to make a change and mean it

butterfly

Change is a comin’….How to get ready and mean it

“When you are trying to motivate yourself, first, appreciate the fact that you are even thinking about making a change and then as you move forward, allow yourself to be good enough.” Alice Domar

Is there something happening right now, in this moment that is making you aware that a change needs to happen sooner rather than later? Get out a piece of paper and a pen and let’s get to work on that change.

1)      Select a behavior or situation you genuinely want to change. This needs to be about you alone. It should not involve anyone else. Start to write about the change you want to make. Include every thought you have. No judgments.

2)      You should be able to track your progress. This can be done with a daily journal or on a calendar designated specifically for tracking this change or with the guidance of a helping professional.

3)      Your goal toward this change has to be real. Losing 30lbs. in 90 days is more of a fantasy than a resolute goal.

4)       Make friends with time. Create a vision board that outlines a 3 month plan, a 6 month plan and a one year plan. What would you like to have accomplished by each marker?

5)      The change has to be within your control as do the steps you take toward that change. If your desired change involves other people helping you then you lose a good portion of the control you need. Emotional support is all you will need from anyone. The rest is up to you.

6)      State your desired goal using positive language. Instead of saying what you want to change state how you will go about making your change; small steps you can do every day toward your desired outcome.*

“You have to speak your dream out loud.”– Kelly Corrigan

One year ago I was beyond fed up with the job I was in and wanted to make a career change. I was nervous because change in itself is not something I have ever been friends with but my need to get out of what I was doing was stronger than my fear of change. I quietly began to research where I might belong based on my likes and dislikes. I was still nervous at this point to tell anyone what I was thinking or feeling.

Once I saw myself in a career fit I went about writing down all the steps I would need to take to get me to where I wanted to be. I’ll admit that there were some steps I was against doing and afraid to do but I kept telling myself that anything worth having is worth working hard for. I didn’t put the pressure of a time frame on myself only in so far as I knew I didn’t want to wait to start. My emotional level toward making this change was very strong and very passionate.

I kept my passion level high and my determination level higher. The very first thing I needed to do was address the fear I was feeling around making this big change so I began by writing about why I wanted to make this career change. My “why” became my motto. The next thing I needed to do was to get important people in my life on board with my career change so that I had the emotional support I needed. I talked to my family about why I wanted to make this change. Hearing myself talk out loud was very important because it made the dream real and it got me the input and support I ultimately needed. I then had to deal with my inner critic who is a genius at always telling me that I was not good at making changes and that I was going to fail miserably. I kept asking myself, “so what?” until the fear became manageable and my inner critic had nothing left to throw at me. Once I started to feel strength toward my fear and my inner critic I knew I was ready to get started on my to-do list of steps toward my goal.

I worked those steps diligently and got a little thrill each time I got to check off an action step that I completed. Before I knew what was happening I had accomplished a lot more than I originally set out to do.

It is one year later and it has been quite an adventure. I had lots of encouragement along the way and lots of moments that could have brought me to my knees in defeat but I kept saying those two words, “so what” and in the end all the hard work was done by only me and I used my “disasters” as learning opportunities.

I can happily, powerfully and encouragingly say that I have accomplished most of the steps on my original to-do list and am working on a new list right now. I will never let my to-do list be empty. There are lingering steps I still need to take toward my original goal but I know without a doubt that I will get there and go beyond. As each to-do step was taken I could feel my confidence building and could feel how empowering those accomplishments made me feel. There are times even now when I feel impatient but I find that I am thoroughly enjoying the learning process and even more so enjoying all the new people in my life.

Recently I read an article written by a man who had gotten into a very bad car accident and died. He wrote the article from what he remembered of his death, what he thought about most of all at the moment he knew he died and of being brought back to life. It was a fascinating and surreal story; it gave me goose bumps. He left his reading audience with three questions that honestly, deeply resonated with me for which I now have made a permanent part of my wallpaper.  Whenever you are thinking about making a change, whether by choice or out of necessity keep these ideas with you as a guide post:

1)      Am I passionate? This speaks to all the reasons you do anything in your life. Are the things you do driven by passion toward your actions and goals?

2)      Am I productive? This speaks to how you get your passionate actions done. Are the steps you are taking toward your goal, toward what holds your interests, productive steps or wasting time kind of steps? Is there true purpose for your actions?

3)      Am I making a difference? This speaks to how what you do, what you want to do will impact others. We are all here to serve each other in some way. Even if your goal is to lose weight, how do you think your story will impact someone else? What difference will your weight loss make beyond your own health and well-being?  In most cases you will see that you are not alone in what you are going through. The difference is in the fact that it is you who is going through it and therefore your story should be shared.

“The defining characteristic of every successful person I have met? They have passion.” –Dr. Phil

*From the book, “Changeology” by Dr. John C. Norcross, PhD.

Lisa is a career and life coach. She has been featured in Parent Magazine and in the book, A Stay-At-Home Mom’s Guide to Making Money by Liz Folger. If you would like to explore how coaching can help you please write to lisa@journeyoncoaching.com to set up a free 30 minute coaching consultation.